He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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