Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
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Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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