You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
