We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
