I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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