I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
