I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My life is pants optional.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
