I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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