don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You left your phone here
Wait...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
