just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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