If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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