2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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