Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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