Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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