wanna go halves on a baby?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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