god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
