I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
