i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
