...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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