Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
you're hired as official boob wrangler
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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