If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
