Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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