i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
