i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
