He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
