she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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