I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
