John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think your dad took our porno
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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