is your mom at the bar?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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