went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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