hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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