I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
