I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I feel great
I just peed on a car
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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