I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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