I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
