Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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