Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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