Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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