I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
