Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
