Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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