3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
