New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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