I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
