Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
As shirtless as possible
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
