yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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