My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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