The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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