Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
