I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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