are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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