Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
