I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
