i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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