Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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