I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
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Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
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You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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