My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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