I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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