dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
