I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
