You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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