WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
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Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
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I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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